CAN YOU TOP THIS?

1947, original broadcast day and month unknown. During April or May (during the telephone strike) Kirkman-sponsored episode.

Syndication edit

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(office, telephone, bargains, party)

CHARLIE STARK: “Can You Top This?”

PETER DONALD: Why did the chicken cross the road? That was no chicken. That was my wife.

CS: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try.

CS: Can you, Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: There’s a possibility.

CS: Can you, Joe Laurie Jr?

JOE LAURIE JR: Well, maybe.

CS: That round one of sound fun came from the pint-sized author, comedian, and columnist on Variety, Joe Laurie Jr, the popular current-topic humorist Senator Ford, and the well-known columnist, cartoonist, and after-dinner speaker, Harry Hershfield. These birds of a feather than sock together bring you another session of “Can You Top This?” And now, a Ward to the wise is sufficient. Here he is: Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Thank you, Charlie Stark. Well, the top rule of “Can You Top This?” is, of course: keep them laughing. The other rules are equally simple. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and anybody can send in a joke.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. Peter Donald reads the jokes sent in by the home audiences.

WW: Then each of our three gag specialists, Hershfield, Ford, and Laurie, get a chance to top it with another joke on the same subject. Of course, they do not know what jokes are to be used. Each time one of them fails to top your joke, we add five dollars to your original ten dollars. Should your joke hit 1000, the top of the meter, you win twenty-five dollars on the spot, and the wits are out for glory and soap.

RB: . “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?

WW: So, are you ready, fellows?

HH and JL: Ready!

SF: Would you mind repeating the question?

WW: I’ll get back to you, Mr. McConnell, in just a moment. Here is one sent in by William Hooper of Westfield, New Jersey, and this is on the subject of something you undoubtedly have been in at one time or another: office.

JL: Office?

WW: Office.

JL We’ve been thrown out of it, too.

WW: Peter, suppose you give it seed.

PETER DONALD: Well, it’s a very, very busy office manager. A very efficient guy. One of these efficiency experts. You know, cut down on time. Cut down on expense. Don’t waste any time talking. He cut “good morning” down to one syllable. It’s “ging.” You’d come in in the morning, say, “Ging, everybody. Ging!” Wanted to send downtown for some ink, he’d say, “Stink!” Anyway, one day he calls his receptionist. He says, “Miss Jones,” he says, “I want you to get in touch with our new employee, Mr. Herman Wett.” She says, “Who’s that, sir?” He says, “He only came to work here yesterday. His name is Wett -- W E T T.” He says, “He’s working on the fourth floor. He was supposed to be in my office half an hour ago. Now, I will not stand for this. I want you to call Mr. Wett. Tell him when you get him on the wire that I will speak to him. Herman Wett on the fourth floor.” So he waits for the call to come back. Two minutes, three minutes, four minutes. No answer. So he calls the girl again. He says, “Miss Jones,” he says, “I’ve been waiting here. It’s now nearly four and a half minutes. I will not have my time wasted like that. Did you get that guy Herman Wett.” She says, “Not yes, Mr. Smith. I’m ringing Wett.” And he says, “I don’t care if you’re drowning! Get him on the phone!”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: 1000, zooming up to the top, automatically giving Mr. Hooper twenty-five dollars and testing the best that our three wits can offer. I know none of them can top it. And let’s see. Two hands upraised and this evening suppose we start with -- three hands now. Senator Ford, you’re elected.

SF: Well, the reason why I don’t mind going in here… I read a story in Mark Hellinger’s column there not long ago. This is strictly a 1947 story. One of those modern, debonair youths flounced into the manager’s office of a billion-dollar concern. Now, he was the manager of the employment division, and this young squirt walked in and nonchalantly said, “Any jobs open?” And the manager said, “Oh, sure. Oh, yes. Lots of jobs open. Especially one. Our president is resigning on Saturday.” The young guy said, “Swell. What’s the salary?” I know the kind you like. Just then a… Like those “ringing Wett,” huh? Well, I got one of those. Just then -- it’s the same office -- an office boy ran in and he said to the manager, he said, “There’s a man outside with a wooden leg by the name of Smith.” The manager said, “What’s the name of his other leg?” That’s one of those “ringing Wett” jokes.

RB: Hey! 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: And the original joke got 650, so on the evening you’re doing very well so far.

SF: Oh, I don’t care. You know I’m not interested in figures.

WW: Oh, no?

SF: Of that nature.

WW: Oh. Just getting ready to question that one.

JL: I was just going to say, “plus one.”

WW: Yeah. Well, let’s see. That ties Mr. Hooper, but doesn’t top him, and, Joe, I think your hand was raised second.

JL: Yeah. This is a short one. This doesn’t count, Ward. It’s not in the spring. A fellow opens up a new office, and a friend comes to see him. He sees on a door the sign. He says, “Jake,” he says, “what is that? ‘Epstein and Shh!’” He says, “Well, who is Shh?” He says, “Shh! That’s my silent partner.” The one I want to tell is a fellow -- one of those confidence guys opens up an office and he advertises all over “Come to our office -- we make you smart. Make you smarter than you are.” So a boob comes up there. He says, “Uh, you can make me smart?” Fellow says, “Yes, siree. Make you very smart.” He says, “Here you are. Take these pills. Here’s a bottle of pills.” Says, “How much? How much for the pills?” He says, “Two and a half dollars for you.” He says, “Alright.” So he gives me. He says, “You eat these pills, you’ll be smart.” So he goes away and pays him two and half bucks and comes back about two weeks later. He says, “Hey, you. You sold me those pills, didn’t you?” He says, “Yeah.” He says, “I ain’t a bit smarter.” He says, “Well, maybe you didn’t eat enough, brother. Maybe you didn’t eat enough. Here. Here’s another bottle of pills.” He says, “That’ll be five dollars.” He says, “That the same pills?” He says, “Yeah.” Says, “Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute now. You sold me the first bottle of pills for two and a half bucks, and now you’re selling me the same pills for five bucks. What’s the idea?” He says, “See? You’re getting smart already!”

WW: Pretty smart yourself, there, Joe. 1000 on both the preface and the joke. So that also ties Mr. Hooper’s 1000 but doesn’t top him, and the last one to hear from: Harry Hershfield.

HH: Pete said something about Mr. Wett. Makes me think I want to throw this as a preface: Al Zink’s famous poem they call “The Stenographer’s Lament.” “She used to sit upon his lap as happy as can be. Now he makes her seasick. He’s got water on the knee.” But that doesn’t get Wett!

WW: That’s your trouble there, Harry. But, but…

HH: Three girls from three different offices got together to compare notes how their bosses kissed them. And one said, “Oh, my boss, oh, he’s -- He uses the Hirohito system. The sneak attack.” And the other one says, “Mine uses the Stalin. Behind the curtain.” The other one says, “I got the best one. The Roosevelt style. Again and again and again.”

RB: Up, up! 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Very solidly. And very well-told too, as a matter of fact. And this -- that was a perfect round all the way you three guys tonight. You’re hot.

RB: More fun, more jokes coming up in a minute after this.

WW: Now back to the business of the jokes once again, and here’s one sent in by Joseph Leone of New York City, and it’s on the subject of something we’re not doing too much with right now but having big hopes for the future: telephone. Telephone. So…

JL: Ringing Wett.

WW: Yes! Pete, you better ring in on this one, as a matter of fact.

PD: They’re trying to fix that now, you know. If you want to really make a very important long distance call, the phone company has got an Indian on the rope with smoke signals. Indian is named Chief Operator. But this is about -- this is about a little jerky fellow, little guy by the name of Willie, and he went to call on his best friend Herkimer Jerkimer, who’s also not very bright, and Willie comes tearing down the street and he runs up Herkimer’s front steps there and he bangs on the door, and Herkimer lets him in. So Willie says, “Gee, Herky. You’re home. I thought maybe you was out, or something happened.” He says, “Uh, no, Willie, I been here the whole time. What’s your trouble? Somebody chasing you?” He says, “No, but I ran from my house because I was calling you on the telephone and nobody answered and I thought something was wrong. I came over to find why you didn’t answer the phone.” He says, “Well, I was in the kitchen and I was cooking and I thought I heard a bell but then I thought maybe it was, uh, next door. After that I heard another bell, but I thought, uh, maybe it was somebody’s alarm clock.” He said, “Well, gee, that was me when I was calling you.” He said, “Oh, you think so? He says, “Well, I’ll tell you what. The next time you phone me, if I don’t hear the bell ringing, you just ring it a little louder.”

JL: Ringing…

PD: Ahhhh…

WW: I’m afraid you’re looking in vain, old man, on that paper for the joke. Well, that’s a good place for it on the floor, Pete. I’m afraid you didn’t fool too many on that.

RB: Only 200 registered on the laugh meter that time, Ward.

WW: Well, that opens up the field pretty wide for our three wits. They all seem anxious to crash in here, and we’ll reverse the order this time and start off with you, Harry.

HH: I like these ritzy phone calls. The phone rings in one of these offices and the woman -- file says, “Barton, Benton, and Bailey. Who’s calling?” Says, “Jones, Green, and Gordon. Calling Mr. Bailey.” Said, “Just a moment. Who’s calling Mr. Bailey?” Says, “Mr. Gordon calling Mr. Bailey.” “Just a moment. Mr Bailey. There’s a call from you from Mr. Gordon of Jones, Green, and Gordon.” “Ready with Mr. Bailey.” “Ready with Mr. Gordon.” “Gordon ready.” “Hello Sam. This is Max. Do you want to go to lunch?”

RB: The laugh meter registers 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Caught on fire tonight, Harry. Another topping Mr. Leone’s 250 by plenty. He still has his original ten dollars and we’ll seek further to see what’s in store for us from Joe Laurie Jr.

JL: Harry just reminded me of one. I thought of another one, but this one reminds me of it. About this very busy executive. Oh, he’s very busy. Very busy all over the place, and the phone bell rings, and he picks up the phone, and a voice comes over the phone and says, “Is this Goldberg, Rosenberg, Weinberger, and Cohen?” He says, “Yes. This is Mr. Cohen, and I don’t know who you are, but I want to tell you something.” He says, “You got an awful nerve to expect four people to answer a lousy little phone call.” But the one I want to tell…

WW: You want to throw that other one in, Joe, or just let it go at that?

JL: No, I didn’t say it didn’t count so it’s got to go.

WW: Well, it didn’t count for too much. It was…

RB: The laugh meter registered 800 for that one, Ward.

WW: And let’s see. The only missing voice in this round so far is Senator Ford.

SF: Well, I thought Joe was going to tell another one. Well anyway, this doesn’t count either, um, Ward. A very beautiful blonde -- she had beautiful hair but nothing much right underneath it in the way of brains -- called up the repair department of the telephone company and said, “There’s something wrong with my telephone. I wish you’d come and fix it.” So the man said, “What makes you think there’s something wrong with it?” She said, “I just took a bath. It didn’t ring once.” She was ringing Wett, you see. Well, anyway…

WW: There goes Pete Donald  back to read the original joke.

SF: You know, with the help of Pete, that did very well.

WW: Very well.

SF: Alright. So this happened before the telephone strike. A minister in New York was calling a preacher in California and he got the long-distance operator and told the number and so forth and so on, and the operator said, “Is this a station-to-station call?” And he said, “No. Parson to parson.”

WW: Well, the one that you said didn’t count didn’t, Senator, and…

SF: Oh, I knew that before I told it.

WW: But your joke got 900, which tops Mr. Leone’s 250 by plenty.

SF: You know, there’s a funny thing. You can’t fool mothers much. You know, they know what’s going on. There was a young fellow… You don’t mind if I just throw this in, do you?

WW: No, go right ahead.

SF: Another telephone gag. Little switch on an old one. This young fellow had been out all day Sunday. Came home late at night, and his mother said to him, “Where were you?” He said, “I was out duck shooting.” So the next day, after he came back from work, she said, “Son, I want to tell you that one of those ducks you was out shooting called up today and left her telephone number.”

WW: Well, that should suit, Senator. And since all three of you fellows have topped Mr. Leone’s 250, we’ll send Mr. Leone ten dollars. Here’s one submitted by Manny Kissner of Brooklyn [gap in recording] …lot of us are looking for at odd times: bargains. Bargains. So, Pete, we hope that you are one.

PD: It seems that Mr. and Mrs. Fafufnik got into an awful argument. Seems their next-door neighbor wanted to buy their car at a pretty good price too and Abe was agreeable, but his wife wouldn’t let him sell it. She said, “Abercrombie, I wouldn’t sell that car for a million dollars.” Says, “Right in that car -- right in that car, with the radio playing ‘I’ll Be with You in Epis Blossom Time’ -- right in that car, you put your arms around me and I said that I would marry you.” He says, “Yeah, yeah. I was just experimenting with the clutch. You turned it into a ring job already.” He says, “Look. Let me sell the car.” He says, “We’ll get a lot of money.” He says, “We’ll buy a Cadillac Lousimone or something. It’s be...” She says, “No.” She says, “You sell that car, you bum, I wouldn’t speak to you again. I wouldn’t mince a word with you.” So the argument was going on, and he was getting more determined, and finally he slammed out of the house. He went next door to the neighbor, walked in. He says, “Mein pal,” he says, “I’ll sell you the car.” Fellow says, “Well, I thought your wife wouldn’t let you.” He says, “You’re right and I’m selling you the car eight hundred dollars.” Fellows said, “Well, Mr. Fafufnik,” he says, “I’ll give you seven hundred.” He says, “Seven hundred for a car like that? At eight hundred it’s a bargain.” He says, “Well, I can’t give you eight hundred.” He says, “I’ll make it seven-fifty but this is very screwy.” He says, “Are you sure it’s okay for you to sell your car? Are you sure the wife doesn’t mind?” He says, “Listen.” He says, “You are looking on the fellow who is wearing all in the panties in the family.” He says, “The worm has reversed itself. I’m selling the car. I’ll take your offer of seven-fifty, but a bargain like this car you don’t get every day.” Fellow says, “But Mr. Fafufnik,” he says, “How about your wife?” He says, “Alright. For seven-fifty I’ll throw in the wife too but a bargain like that you don’t get anytime!”

WW: Nice going once again, Pete. One…

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Mr. Kisner’s home safe with twenty-five dollars. Our three wits are challenged once again and they’re all getting in there to pitch, anyway. Senator, I think we’ll pick you up first.

SF: I don’t know whether you’ll like this or not, Ward, but this is one of those gags about a fellow with an old jalopy too. He drives up to one of these toll gates -- you know, a toll bridge -- and the gateman says, “Fifty cents for your car.” And the guy say, “Sold.”

WW: I liked it! Might as well tell you that…

SF: Well, two fellows were talking at a breakfast, and one said, “Where’d you meet your wife?” The other one said, “In Macy’s,” and he said, “You could have done better at Gimble’s.” Bargain.

RB: The laugh meter registered 800 for that one, Ward.

WW: But we better keep skipping to the end here.

SF: Well, when you get through with the other boys, maybe I’ll have another one by that time. I might do better.

WW: Could be, and in the meantime let’s tune in on Harry Hershfield.

HH: Well, this… I want to talk about a husband who wasn’t such a bargain. There was a… An eighteen-year-old girl was married to a -- one of those marriage matches, you know -- eighty-five-year-old guy. So they’re out walking and he’s about a hundred feet behind tottering along. He can’t keep up with her at all. And every few minutes she turns around and says, “Come on, Cain. Come on, Cain.” And he’d try to walk the best he could. So a woman hears it and said, “You’re calling him Cain? I thought his name was Julius.” She said, “He is name is Julius.” Said, “If his name is Julius why do you call him Cain?” Said, “Because he ain’t Abel!”

WW: The subject of “bargain” is a little vague there, Harry.

HH: That’s what I said.

SF: He was no bargain

WW: I see. Well, anyway, it got a thousand on the Kirkman laugh meter but it couldn’t top Mr. Kissner any, and, Joe, how about you in this round?

JL: Yeah, the senator reminded me of one. A fellow meet Montgomery. He says, “I met your wife.” He says, “I don’t know how you happened to marry a girl like that.” He said, “What’s the matter?” He says, “She’s crazy. That woman is nuts. How’d you come to marry her?” Says, “How’d I come to marry her? You know how I love bargains.” Says, “I love bargains, but I went to Macy’s basement, and I saw her there.” He says, “So what?” He says, “I noticed she was twenty per cent off, so I took her.”

RB: 700 is the score on the laugh meter this time, Ward.

WW: But since none of you three wits topped Mr. Kissner’s 1000, we send him twenty-- oh, yes -- twenty-five dollars all of his very own.

RB: All the boys will be back with another round of fun after…

WW: And now here’s a joke sent in by Miss Veda Hart Krider of Auburndale, Florida, and it’s on the subject of “party.” Party. So, okay, Peter, let’s hear Mr. Krider’s joke or Miss Krider’s joke -- I beg your pardon -- and see what our studio audience thinks of it.

PD: Well, this is about my old friend Mr. Fafufnik, and, Mr. Fafufnik, he worked very, very hard for years. He had his own little business, and he manufactured tomahawks with radar for nearsighted Indians. Quite an idea. And he worked very hard and finally he amassed enough money. He was doing pretty good and he moved to a new neighborhood, and he bought himself a beautiful apartment with a sunken living room, and the bathroom sagged a little too, and everything was gorgeous. Big, thick rugs. You could wear shorts and nobody would ever notice. Beautiful place. So one evening he’s sitting in this palatial living room and he turns to his wife. He said, “Daphne” he says, “Daphne, darling,” he says, “I got a wonderful idea.” He says, “Let’s give a party. Let’s give a fancy-schmancy party.” He says, “We’ll get a ballroom down at the Pennsyltucky Hotel down there.” He says, “We’ll have everything beautiful,” he says, “with the champagne -- that’s that Seven Up with jet propulsion. Everything will be marvellous,” he says, “Nobody will even get a napkin. Wouldn’t even have a napkin.” He says, “Everybody gets two silkworms and a whip. Marvellous. Beautiful party.” He says, “Make a wonderful thing.” So he gives this party and invites the great names and it’s a marvellous party. It’s the social event of the season. Everything fine until three o’clock in the morning and Abe gets the check. And he gets in a terrific fight with the manager. Oh, he’s screaming and the manager’s screaming back. Finally his wife managed to pull him away. She says, “Abe, darling,” she says, “What’s all the hollering with the fellow?” He says, “What’s the hollering?” He says, “You know what that dirty dish detective wanted me to do?” He says, “He wants I shall pay him a cover charge.” She says, “A cover charge? What did you tell him?” He says, “What did I tell him? I told him we don’t need a cover. Everybody’s going to sleep at home tonight.”

RB: That one made the top. 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: And that means that we’re all out for laughs this time, and Harry Hershfield is the first one up.

HH: Mrs. Van Eppis gives a very swerige party. Very swanky. So she says to her husband, “Now, there may be some men drinking too much. I don’t want you to drink because I want you to watch everything. And watch it.” But the husband wasn’t watching very much. He was taking a little snootful here and there himself, and all of a sudden, she said to her husband, “I wish you would go over and talk to that fellow over there. He’s very, very drunk. You know what he’s doing? He takes a drink, and then he eats part of the glass, and then he throws the glass away.” So the husband walked over, and he walked over and said, watches him a minute and he says, “What’s the idea of eating part of the glass and throwing it away? The stem is the best part!”

RB: 650 is what the laugh meter registers, Ward.

WW: So that doesn’t top Miss Krider’s 1000 and Senator Ford had his hand up second.

SF: I’ll just toss one in here. You can count it if you like, Ward. A woman went down to the florist shop, and she said, “I’d like to have some very beautiful flowers for my daughter’s coming-out party.” The florist said, “That’s fine. What was she in for?”

RB: 500 on the laugh meter this time, Ward.

SF: Nothing off for good behavior?

WW: Well, if we get anything off, you won’t have anything. However, it doesn’t top Miss Krider’s 1000. She still holds her twenty-five dollars, and, Joe Laurie…

JL: Yeah. A fellow was waking up the next morning after being at a party and he says to his wife, he says, “Oh, what a party. Oh, that liquor party last night. That’s was awful liquor or something.” She said, “What’s the matter?” He said, “I got a terrible taste in my mouth. That mouth. My terrible taste in my mouth.” She says, “Well, I begged you a dozen times not to kiss the milkman’s horse.”

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Join “Can You Top This?” again next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford.

HH: Harry Hershfield

JL: Joe Laurie, Jr.

PD: Peter Donald

WW: Ward Wilson

RB: And this is your host, Roger Bower, saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.